Uncategorized, Winged ones

The Vulture’s Shadow

I went for a walk hoping to shake a dark shadow following me.  I feel more like Eeyore than Cat.The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I am pondering all the possibilities that live in the future.  Spirit is nudging me, well, actually pushing me now to move forward.  A few months ago it was a nudge, but I don’t want to go, because I feel downright sad about leaving.

When I stay too long my sanctuary becomes a hiding place.  When Spirit tells me to go, I like to challenge the powers that be.  I dig in and stay longer.   I get comfortable.  I drag my feet.  My claws are deeply embedded in what was once right, but now is holding me back.

I look at what I could possibly do now, if I were brave enough to venture back out beyond my gate.  Considering all I have overcome within me, I know it will be different this time, when I go out and share myself with others.

As I linger in doubt my shadow moves out in front of me.  My focus remains on the shadow as I listen within.

Dark judgments from my past surface, “You can’t do that.”  “You’ll never make it.”  “It will never work.”  “It’s time to settle down and get a regular job.”  “They don’t want what you have to give anyhow.”  “You’re nothing – a nobody – give it up.”

My shadow side taunts me and lures me deeper into the darkness.

A shadow even larger than my own passes over mine on the pavement in front of me.

I look up and see a vulture circling over me.  His shadow passes back and forth several times over mine.

Remembering a prayer a dear friend once said, I ask the vulture to take that which is no longer serving my higher purpose away from me now,  “I am willing to step forward, doing what you ask of me, Spirit.  Today guide me in releasing the old parts of me that are holding me back.  May Vulture take the old pain and hurt and all that is dead and buried deep inside.  May he take it away so that I can be free once more.”

I continue to walk down the old highway.  It is quiet today.  I have not needed to step off the road to let any cars pass.  Most days I have to jump into the tall grass again and again, as there is no sidewalk or room for walking beside the road.  But today I am walking undeterred.

I come to a part of the old back highway with two sharp turns.  My sight here is limited to a half mile.  The blind curve prevents me from seeing too far down the road.

There are no cars or semis and the stillness feels eerie.

The vulture’s shadow crosses over my own shadow again and again.The large dark bird is following my path.  His shadow grows larger with each pass over my own.

I look around to see what he has his eye upon.  I prepare to see some road kill nearby.

He comes lower, tightening his circle.  He is circling no wider than the road.

There is no sign of a meal for him anywhere around me.

Lower he comes, round and round just above the telephone wires.

I look up and down the road.  Nothing else is around.  No other movement, no other sounds but my own inner demons and these large black birds’ wings catching the air.

He is now circling so close to me I raise my arms and say, “I’m not dead yet!”

Unfortunately I saw Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” at the sensitive age of seven, and ugly visions fill my brain.

I flap my arms to show him how alive I am.

His focus is on me.  I am the center of his circle.

He is so close to me and completely undaunted by my speech and body movements that I begin to wonder if I am dead.

I stop and stand in the middle of the road.

Could I be…Am I?

Maybe a semi hit me so fast I didn’t even feel it.  Perhaps Snake bit me.  Maybe I am on the other side already and now what remains of me is going to be this bird’s dinner.  I’m open to all the possibilities because something is definitely dead around here.

I look at my body.  Nope, still feels the same, still looks the same.

Then I hear Spirit.  “It’s time to leave it behind.  Walk away from your old self.  Leave the shadow behind.”

I close my eyes and go inside.  I see that I am dead.  Something has died in me since I came to this place.  It is a turning point, here at the bend in the road, and I feel as if  I am carrying a dead person.

I can not see down the road.  I do not know what the future will bring.  I only know I must not carry what is dead and dragging me down along with me anymore.

I am willing to let go of all that no longer serves me.

And I do it…I let go.

Then I run as fast as I can, before the shadow knows I am gone.

Running down the road I feel free.  I do not look back until I am about to go around the bend.

I stop now, out of breath, and turn back.  The vulture is circling even lower over the spot where I once stood.

I can see my shadow frozen in fear as the vulture comes closer.

Not wanting to watch my demise, I turn and run without stopping, without hesitation, all the way home.

It is not enough to do the work of healing ourselves.  We must also remember to let go of the old.

Do not carry the dead parts of yourself along with you.

Be brave enough to step out of the shadow.

It’s a new day and the sun is shining.

Give away what is no longer allowing you to live fully.

Let go of the old voices, the doubt and fear.  Let go of all that has been holding you back.

Do not look back…let the remains go.

Today choose to step into the light.

You are free.

In Love and Light,

Cat RunningElk

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