I am back in Kansas City, staying with my children at their father’s house. My children and I are waiting to see if we can get housing on the reservation.
If it works out, we will be going there. If it doesn’t we will be heading back to Florida.
There is a lot more to the decision than the housing. If it is meant to be, that won’t be an issue. But right now I am waiting to find peace within myself about this direction.
When I returned from the reservation I had a strong dream. In a dreamtime reality one of my spirit guides came to me, and he stood tall and strong beside the bed. I seemed to wake up as I felt his presence. He said to me that certain things had to happen before I could return to the reservation.
Then I dreamed I was taken to meet someone and they told me I needed a chanunpa. Upon waking and sharing the dream with a Mohawk friend, he reminded me, “Chanunpa means peace pipe, Cat.”
And now I am waiting for peace within myself. I have been carrying the peace pipe within myself for a long time. I have seen White Buffalo Calf Woman in my visions, and she has given me a pipe. But it is all imaginary.
To carry peace within myself is what really matters. Seeing the pipe in my morning prayers, even though it isn’t ‘real’ it reminds me to keep peace in my heart all through the day.
Yet peace must be missing, because I am waiting. And I keep getting back on the fence about making a definite decision. What is best for everyone? What will bring the greatest peace for myself and others in my life?
I spent five days on the reservation. There was a very welcome energy around me and I felt the ancestors welcoming me home. There was also another energy that was challenging, that was dark and angry. That darkness followed me to Kansas City and is keeping peace at bay.
When I was there, in the healing center, I stood alone contemplating working there. The presence of the Grandmothers who had been appearing to me in spirit for the last year filled my office space. They were happy I was there. But I still wasn’t sure if they wanted me to stay, or to just share my energy for a few days.
One of the women I worked with was a beautiful elder who wanted a private session with me. As I opened up to her spirit guides, I received guidance on her healing abilities and how to help her develop them. We did some healing work together, and I was honored to be helping her accept her gifts.
After the session, we sat in the kitchen sipping tea. I felt as if she was truly one of my Grandmothers. She resembled one who had been visiting me in spirit for some time. Just days before coming here I had seen her spirit telling me it was time to come home.
Now this wise elder woman was gathering wood outside the trailer to make a fire. She observed me wrapping a blanket around me to keep warm, and she decided we needed a fire.
I helped her best I could, but quickly saw she knew a lot more than I did about building a fire. I let her teach me and I listened as she told me how she was raised this way, that this was all they ever had for heat.
Once the fire was built and the wood-stove began to take the chill off, she looked contentedly at me.
“You feel better now, don’t you, Cat?”
“You did that for me, didn’t you?” I asked her.
She smiled smugly at me and from how far away she chose to sit from the fire, I knew that she hadn’t needed it at all. But she had gathered and worked to do this just for me.
I shared with her my feelings about moving to the reservation, about my children and wanting to do what was right for them. And my desire to serve and to be part of this community.
She listened and nodded wisely then just as the thoughts came to me, she said, “As long as you are together, that is all you need.”
Yes, as long as we are together.
I am back in Kansas City and I am missing my Grandmother. I hope she is keeping warm tonight.
In those moments we were together, by the fire, I felt great peace.
She carries the peace for me. I long to be with her again, to feel her peaceful presence.
It is time to return home to peace. It is time to light the fire that carries our prayers. It is time to carry peace home to all people.
Pipe or no pipe, I will remember her and walk in peace.
And tomorrow the answer will come.