I think I need to clarify for everyone about the moss in my back window. It isn’t mold from something the kids left in the back seat. No, it was actually a gift from Spirit during my travels. So let me tell you the rest of the story…
My daughters and I headed north, with my Sisters blanket from Donna in Venice, Florida to keep me warm. I dropped of my children at their father’s house in Kansas City, then hurried up to Iowa for the first events up north. I had events in Cedar Rapids, Iowa City, Lawrence, DeSoto, Kansas and Kansas City.
From there I went to St. Louis, on my way to events farther East. I was feeling run down, and was having difficulty staying warm, even though my mother loaded me up with warm coats, hats, scarves and gloves when I stayed with her in Iowa City…(thanks, Mom.)
Everywhere I turned kind offers and gestures were coming my way. I knew I needed to receive, and this time I did my best to accept the love others were extending to me in the form of meals, or a warm place to sleep, banana bread for the road, generous love offerings from some, and always lots of hugs and kisses.
I was accepting it all, and I knew that was my lesson. I had seen that in Florida. I knew I had to receive if I was going to make it all the way to DC and on from there to my new home. Otherwise I was going to drop from burn out.
When I reached St. Louis, half way finished with my tour, I felt unsure about finishing what I had started.
My dear friend and a gifted healer and seer, Clayton H. Thompson, invited me to stay at his home in St Louis. Clayton did healing work on me and astounded by my emptiness said, “Cat, you are empty! How are you managing to do this?”
I joked with him about my abilities to be a clear channel, how because I am so cleared out I am able to let Spirit come through. “I am truly the hollow bone…” I told him.
He gave me a disconcerted look and said, “You have to learn to receive.”
I replied simply, “I know.”
I went on to Cincinnati determined to receive, even as I gave. I looked into the eyes of another dear friend, another gifted healer, Sara Gerhardt at Enchanted Moments, in Milford, Ohio.
Sara was crying as we stood holding each other. We had both expressed our heartfelt appreciation for each other, but something made me stop and hold her a bit longer after our words were shared. Something told me to ask her why she was so moved.
She looked me in the eye and said, “Because I love you, Cat. I love you so much…and I am so thankful that you would come here – that you would come all the way to Cincinnati for me.”
I stood and allowed it to sink into my heart. Of course my first feeling was to want to give her something back. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, too. But instead I let her give to me. I just let it keep coming in, deeper and deeper.
In that moment I received with grace. I did not deflect the energy out or back or elsewhere. The grace was in letting it go inside, deep inside.
The next two days I did not have to be anywhere, which was a blessing because I woke up on Saturday feeling sick. I was not well and I was grateful I had the whole weekend to get better. I had run out of gas…in my body and mind.
I was staying at the Whatever Works Wellness Center in Cincinnati, owned by my two good friends, and more of my extended family, Vince and Connie Lasorso. I worked at getting better, taking what Connie suggested and resting in their healing space. Vince and Connie, both healers and intuitives, looked at me and suggested I give up the last of my events the following week.
I couldn’t, I thought. I can’t do that. I can’t cancel. People are expecting me. My thoughts went to all the people who were hoping to see me. I was thinking of them and wanting to give to them. That’s my job, I said to myself, giving.
But Spirit is here to make sure I learn my lessons well. A big wall went up between me and my final two destinations. I could not go on. The giving had to stop. As I fought with Spirit and tried to use integrity, commitments and other arguments to tear the wall down, I only became more ill.
I gave in and emailed everyone. I called it quits on Sunday. I would not be going on to West Virginia or DC. And I started to feel better. I turned in the other direction, west, back to my friend’s house in St Louis. I headed back to rest and heal.
And on that Sunday as I slowly and carefully drove back to St Louis with my tired body behind the wheel, I asked Spirit to guide me and to offer extra protection, as my eyes were weary and my body felt limp.
Late Sunday afternoon, somewhere between Cincinnati and St Louis, Spirit led me off the highway and into a state park. Spirit told me where to go as I drove in. I found a nature trail with a sign and an arrow pointing to an overlook. At the end of the trail was a high cliff overlooking a frozen lake below. I sat down and tried to get comfortable as my body shivered and my fever burned.
I contemplated the frozen lake below me and the warm waters of Florida I had left far behind. I prayed and meditated. After I fell into deep meditation I felt Spirit wrapping me in a warm blanket and my body stopped shivering.
I sat and did nothing. I waited for some guidance. I was as still as the cold winter air. Not a sound around me. Some crows cawed to me now and then. I listened to their magic, and I waited. More silence came.
The air was still. My vision was of nothing. For me to close my eyes and see nothing is strange. My lack of vision only reminded me of my emptiness.
But I waited. I felt the earth beneath me offering her warmth. I felt my sisters and brothers around me, my tree family, my grass family, my crow family, wanting to give to me. I took it all in.
Slowly I began to fill back up. I waited for the sky to answer my prayers. I waited as the leaves in the trees remained silent. I sat still and waited for an answer. I continued to feel the loving comfort of everything around me. I let it in and I waited for something.
I became still and said I would receive whatever Spirit wanted to gift to me. And I gave thanks even as my vision was blank and the air was still. Spirit asked me to surrender, to surrender the last part of me that was still trying to remain in control.
In being the giver – we are sometimes doing this from a place of ego. It feels safe to be in control, to be the one in charge, the one who gives. To let down that wall is to become vulnerable. Many people wait until there is a crisis in their lives to ask others for help. Many people prefer to remain in control. We remain in control when we do not accept love, support or help from others, even though we all could use some from time to time.
I wanted to be the good girl, the one who gives. But I needed to let that wall down in order to receive in a meaningful way. I needed to let others know that sometimes I could use some help, too.
When I finally saw the part of my ego that was in the way, I let it go. I surrendered to all of it. I was willing to let down my wall.
And then the wind came. Slowly, softly, it rustled the leaves, and I knew I was receiving my message. As the wind came, tears came to my eyes. I felt the spirit of the wind talking to me, loving me, caressing my skin. And my vision returned.
In the vision I was in my sacred circle, and I was standing in the East, with Eagle. My Dearest Wolf Friend was beside me. My other animal spirit guides were with me as well, and many others from the Spirit Side welcomed me back home.
I was once again where I wanted to be, in my circle, supported and receiving the guidance and love I desire.
When I was coming out of my vision the wind told me the first thing I was drawn towards was for me, it was a reminder that this is who I am now.
I opened my eyes and walked carefully with great awareness, waiting to see Eagle with my two eyes, waiting to see Deer, or Crow, or any wonderful creature. But what drew me in was not an animal, but a tree friend calling to me. It directed my eyes to something bright green that stood out next to the snow on the ground.
The bright green moss that was on the ground next to the tree was calling to me. I went over to it and knelt down to gaze upon it’s beauty, amazed at it’s green brilliance even in the cold and snow.
Something directed me to take some with me.
I said, no, I can’t do that, it’s attached to something.
Reaching out to touch it gently, to feel it’s precious softness, some came off in my hand. I accepted the gift and returned to my car tenderly holding the moss in both of my hands.
I’m gathering moss, I thought out loud. I laughed at the irony. I am a rolling stone, a running elk, but I can gather what I need. I am receiving. I am stillness… and I am gathering moss.
I put the moss in the back window so I can see it as I look back at where I’ve already been. I thanked Spirit and drove on into the dusk that was descending upon me.
As I merged back onto the highway, I checked my side mirror and saw the moon. She was full and beautiful and just on the rise. I pulled over at a rest stop to pay my respects to her, to thank her for her beauty, and I allowed myself to receive that beauty into my own heart. I gathered more.
The next few days I stayed with my friend and did nothing. I lounged around, ate in bed, watched television and just allowed my body to fill up with energy again.
I reflected on the love that is available to me. I let myself soak up what I could from memories and good times.
I healed in body, mind and spirit.
The impossible continues to happen in my life. This rolling stone is gathering moss.
And it feels good. My cup will soon be running over again…and I hope to keep it that way…I will continue to grow and gather as I go.
And I thank you all for the love you give to me –
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